For The 20 Somethings Feeling Lost In Life
Mate, what the fuck am I actually doing with my life?
Introduction
Lately I’ve been feeling lost.
I’m uncertain of both how I start, and what I necessarily hope to achieve in writing this.
Primarily I’m looking for some clarity; maybe even something to ease the disquietude. In the past writing down my swirling thoughts has been cathartic. It’s allowed me to capture, solidify and comprehend something that can only be described as vague anxiety. So, I’m here to try again.
But not just for my own peace of mind. I’m also writing this for you, the reader, with the intention of creating something relatable and valuable. Hopefully it can act as a reminder that the human experience is universal; that you’re not alone.
For context, what sparked this was the oncoming of my 23rd birthday which arrived, and passed in early June. Turning 23 is a strange time, your maturity’s lodged awkwardly between teenager and adult. Naturally (for someone who worries himself far too much with the future), I began to concern myself with thoughts such as the following:
“Oh shit, I’ve not figured it all out yet”.
I don’t know about you but at 15 years-old I assumed 23 year-old me would be some mega successful, millionaire prodigy.
And with the assumption that future me would have shit on lock, the responsibility of achieving said success has always been a case of ‘I’ll figure it out later’
At 15 the responsibility was set on 17 year-old me, at 17 the burden was passed to 19 year-old me, at 19 it became 21, 21 became 23.
It’s always been a naive passing of the baton, assuming that tomorrow would never arrive — that responsibility for ones self could always be left ’til later.
And here I am at 23 questioning every decision:
Do I really love what I’m doing?
Why am I not settled in a career yet?
Nah seriously, what the fuck do I actually want to do with my life?
Simply put, I’m feeling lost in life.
It’s easy enough (theoretically) to solve this — you just have to suck it up, face your fears and do what you’ve been putting off. But tackling something as complex as this requires deft, thoughtful hands rather than brute force and ignorance.
It offers a little comfort to know that for millennia individuals have been plagued with the same issue. Common people, philosophers, scientists, engineers, rulers, cavemen, presidents — they’ve all felt lost at some point.
But advice from the past isn’t always useful in the present.
Thus, In an attempt to clarify the ‘lostness’ for both myself and all the other 20 something’s, I’m going to cover what’s best helped me navigate and understand this vague anxiety.
Who You’re Supposed To Be Vs Who You Are
Something that’s only recently come to my attention is how much I try to satisfy the idea of who I’m supposed to be.
Like most people, I have a notion of what I’d consider to be an ideal version of myself. It’s me at my best, perfect at everything, master of all earthly pursuits.
But i’m unsure of what’s born out of my genuine interests/passions vs what’s satisfying the picture I have of myself in my head. How many things have I pursued out of obligation? Out of feeling like I should do this or that?
We all try to live up to both our own, and other’s expectations — that’s human nature. Our own expectations are usually extra-ordinarily high, set in our youth when we believe that we’re the main character.
Additionally, societies have naturally devolved to expect things of each and every one of us:
For some it’s owning that BMW, for others it’s becoming a doctor, occasionally we expect someone to blossom in to an ultra successful millionaire.
The point I’m making is that internal and external expectations contribute to the misalignment of who you’re supposed to be vs who you are. Not only that, they cause a rift that leads you astray from yourself.
I’m only now becoming aware of my false sense of self, and realising that who I think I am and who I really am are two different people.
I’ve now realised that above all, it’s about being truthful with ourselves regardless of the implications, or the judgement of others. It’s about stripping back the ego, tearing off all the flashy materialistic bullshit, and really examining our deepest dispositions.
A recent experience was enough to make me really stop and think:
< I was at the full-moon party in Thailand which is essentially a massive piss-up with thousands of people on the beach. I started the night by downing rum, looking forward to the events ahead, expecting a night of total hedonism.
Upon arrival, the beach had close to 10k people, covered in UV paint, drinking £2 buckets of alcohol, having a great time.
Although others were having a great time I’d entered that stage of drunk — which I get in far too often — where I’d become philosophical and began to question the reason for all this. Why was I here? Did I really care about any of this? Did I like these people?
Before long, I genuinely wasn’t enjoying myself. The music was shit. I wasn’t in the mood. It was a bunch of strangers I didn’t care about. This meant nothing to me.
I left before 12 >
This isn’t a universal experience — some people absolutely love full-moon. It’s more so a representation of something unsuited to my personality, that I’d indulged in to satisfy expectations.
I’d acted as who I’m supposed to be rather than who I am.
Who I truly am is someone that enjoys a couple drinks, surrounded by my very best friends, in a gaff, with a bangin’ playlist. I can’t feign affinity for strangers, shit music and senseless drinking.
Often we get so caught up with who we’re supposed to be, or what we’re supposed to be doing, that we forget who we are, or what we really enjoy.
Instead of losing ourselves in false perceptions, we should all spend more time questioning our choices, our actions, our values. We might find something we don’t necessarily expect, or even like, but in the long run it’s the best choice.
Regardless of perceived status or reputation, we all need to pursue the things that ‘really make us tick’ because at the end of the day, that’s what really matters.
Every second you spend honestly gets you an inch closer to who you really are.
For me, I’m a cynical, selfish cunt enamoured with self-improvement, who loves climbing mountains, hiking, calisthenics, reading, philosophy, travelling and solitude. I’m also someone who hates inauthenticity and admires ambitious, passionate, true-to-themselves individuals.
That’s who I really am.
Forget about the archetype of you’re supposed to be — it’s only supported by ego, insecurity and a false sense of obligation.
Go 110% on who you are.
Social Media, Attention and Sedation
Another attributing factor to this generational ‘lostness’ is social media/tech addiction. Our obsession with six inch, copper bricks has gone beyond any sensible comprehension:
What else in life do you wake up to, go to sleep with, listen to music on, take a shit with, rely on for food and transport, and get sexual satisfaction from?
It’s got to a point where being strapped to your tech 24/7 has become normalised; where not consistently posting on social media leaves you socially ostracised.
I’d argue that a significant factor in our ‘generational lostness’ can be attributed to mobile phones and social media. Not only due to their inherently comparative structure, but also for the escapism that they offer:
- Feeling bored? You have Netflix, YouTube, Reddit, Hulu, Amazon.
- Feeling unaccomplished? There’s games, daily-habit trackers and productivity apps.
- Feeling under appreciated? There’s Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and TikTok.
- Feeling sexually unsatisfied? There’s unlimited porn a click away.
Mobile phones are such an attractive option because, for a second, they help us forget about: our issues, boredom, the painfulness of reality.
They’re a sedative — a medicine that lulls you in to a false sense of fulfilment.
Endless entertainment is a good idea in theory but in practice it creates a generation of attention deficit, clout-seeking, insecure, individuals. How many times have you been unable to pick just one out of the thousands of movies on Netflix? How many times have you checked Instagram for an update on likes after posting a picture?
Exposure to such a vast array of entertainment doesn’t serve us. If anything it makes us less decisive, less content, less purposeful.
The good news is you have the choice of how you interact with all of the above. You can choose to have Instagram on your phone, or not. You can choose to spend hours on YouTube and TikTok every day, or not. You can choose to indulge in porn, or not.
Although it doesn’t feel that way, you have a choice.
My argument is that social media and phone addiction perpetuates those feelings of ‘lostness’. It’s a handy, helpful crutch when you want to avoid and escape all of those uncomfortable feelings. But that’s all it is — a temporary crutch. Relying on such things to satisfy your primal needs and urges — social, status, sexual — is only temporary and will never provide lasting, permanent resolve.
Without access to your phone, endless entertainment, and unlimited gratification those nasty feelings come swarming back. Those feeling like you’re lost, like you’re behind in life, feelings.
But perhaps there’s value in that, because that’s where growth occurs. There’s a reason we feel lost and uncomfortable. It’s an innate drive that’s telling you:
You’re not quite there yet. You shouldn’t be satisfied. Keep going, keep exploring, keep trying.
The solution?
Sit with that uneasiness, get comfortable being uncomfortable, ask yourself:
Why do I feel like this?
What do I keep procrastinating for?
What would I rather be doing?
Forget about reaching for your phone for a second. Close Netflix, delete Instagram, block YouTube. Do it for a moment, give yourself a second to think, challenge the ‘lostness’, don’t escape.
Embrace the beautiful, unforgiving, anxiety-inducing, incredible thing that is life.
Try Everything
One piece of advice given by famous entrepreneurs, my brother, and even myself in a SubStack article is to ‘Try Everything’.
The concept’s simple — If you don’t know what you want to do, try as many things as possible until you figure it out.
It’s a sentiment echoed over and over again, and often materialises in different fashions. For example, in a broadcasted phone call between Gary Vee & a 22 year-old business graduate, Gary gave the following response to the ‘lost’ graduate:
I think the fact that you even asked the question means you should taste flirting with a lot of different things because you’ll be crippled by the what if if you don’t.
The message of ‘Try Everything’ is admirable. It’s about accepting the ambiguity of youth and savouring this time of exploration and discovery. It’s a comforting message for those who haven’t got shit figured out yet (me included); for those who live with the anxiety of not really knowing where they belong.
And the logic’s credible.
If you don’t know what you want to do, then it only follows logically to try anything that remotely tickles your balls. For me that’s: writing, starting businesses, exploring photography, travelling the world, working in construction, customising a van build, doing a skii-season in New Zealand, and so on.
Some of these tickle my balls, others fondle, occasionally something grabs.
Unfortunately, this approach can seem paradoxical — It’s both the source and the solution. Here’s why —
I believe that my ‘lostness’ stems from not having esteemed success in a particular area. Thus, to try everything, and continually change my focus, Is to dilute said focus, and in turn, my chances of success.
The longer I ‘Try Everything’, the less time I spend pursuing a singularity.
But maybe that’s just a necessary evil for the time being.
It’s easy to forget life’s big picture and lose your perspective on how long life is. When you really consider how young we are, it makes way more sense to spend this time exploring your curiosities rather than knuckling down on something you don’t give a fuck about.
And as for the persistent, uneasy feeling of ‘lostness’ maybe it’s just human nature — an innate drive that ensures we keep exploring till we find the ‘thing’ that makes us tick.
For the foreseeable future, I’ll be ‘Trying Everything’.
Universal Experience
I remember watching a Nathaniel Drew video a few years ago titled ‘For People Feeling Behind In Life’
It was the first time I’d seen someone publicly voice their concerns about feeling lost or behind. It let me know I wasn’t alone.
I’m sure many of you reading right now can relate to exactly what I’m saying. You might feel lost, you might feel behind in comparison to others, you might feel confused and alone.
You’re not.
Something I found from this video, the comments and even conversations with many of my peers is that almost all of us feel this way at some point or another. We all struggle with: becoming who we truly are, expectations of success, self-inflicted judgement.
Mentioned in the video is our natural inclination to compare ourselves to others. It’s instinctual to compare ourselves to peers, role models and in the age of social media — public figures.
Often, this leads to unhealthy comparisons — where we judge ourselves with incompatible measuring sticks, where we forget to afford ourselves breathing space.
The truth is, life’s much more grey than it is black and white. We all have different starting points, setbacks, experiences, approaches, paces, mindsets, opportunities, strengths, weaknesses. Just because you’re not at the same stage as someone else doesn’t mean you never will be, or even need to be to be happy.
We’re all different, and we experience life through different lenses. My success is incomparable to yours, and yours to mine. Let’s all place less importance on arbitrary comparisons.
It’s not going to be easy — especially with social media/tech that constantly exposes us to people richer, sexier, more successful, more famous, and more talented than ourselves.
But If there’s one thing I took from Nathaniel’s video, it’s this:
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.
I think there’s real value in that.
Conclusion
What I’m now realising as I finish this article is how natural the feeling of ‘lostness’ really is.
It’s a perfectly human response to unsatisfactory conditions. It’s not something to be feared, shunned, or even avoided. It’s to be embraced, challenged, used as rocket fuel.
Objectively it’s not even bad — It’s simply a sign that you’re unsatisfied.
And there’s probably a good reason why. So flip the switch, change your perspective, take it as a surefire sign that you need to do more things, explore more pathways, ‘Try Everything’.
Furthermore, take some time to reflect; to be truly introspective. Use it to discover what you really like, who you really are. Also try to identify what you fucking hate, what you can’t stand. Discern between the two, find your values, write them down, live by them.
Be who you truly are, not who you think you should be.
Once you’re true to yourself, you can be authentic in all other facets of life. In your actions, words, relationships, achievements.
Also understand that when you feel like this — riddled with anxiety in your bedroom, feeling utterly desperate and unworthy — you’re not alone. People closest to you feel the same way, we just don’t talk about it much. If you don’t believe me pick up the phone and call a mate, I’m sure they’d appreciate you trust them enough.
Lastly, take steps to break your phone addiction. I’m not completely independent of mine, but I’m taking steps to be that way, and shatter the unhealthy reliance on a temporary form of escapism.
I started this article confused, lost, and seemingly alone. I’ve now finished in a place where I feel confident in navigating the ambiguity.
So for those feeling lost here’s my take:
- Spend time focussing on who you are vs who you’re supposed to be.
- Understand escapism for what it is, examine your relationship with tech.
- Embrace the ambiguity, ‘Try Everything’
- You’re not alone, so don’t think that you are.
All this being said, if anyone wants to talk about it I’m always here. I’d love to have some conversations about it.
As Always,
Yours Honestly,
Liam Lawson
