A Simple Guide To Men’s Hygiene

The idea that self-care is inherently feminine is antiquated. Get the fundamentals right, take pride in yourself.

Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

Be Your Best

I’m no expert in the domain of male hygiene. I’ve never had to groom a messy beard, deal with masses of unruly body hair or tackle overpowering body odour. Nevertheless, seemingly obvious practices are consistently neglected by my fellow brothers.

On a regular basis i meet mates, strangers and colleagues that disregard some of the most basic commandments in the holy book of male hygiene. I’m talking borderline tear gas level body odour, coffee breath that should be classified alongside chloroform and monobrows that would make Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchsky proud.

I’m dramatising here but, for the most part, the male population doesn’t value self-care as much as it should.

To clarify, we shouldn’t practice self-care for the sole purpose of attracting sexual partners (although that is an advantage). Do it out of a sense of pride. When you look your best, you feel your best. When you smell great, you feel great. When you get the fundamentals right, it calms any anxieties and let’s you focus on more substantial matters.

If you know you look good for a job interview, you’re going to feel more comfortable and confident. If you’re smelling good, an intimate dinner becomes more appealing. If chewing gum’s a staple in your wallet, then that first kiss becomes much less intimidating.

This is something i never understood when i was younger. I’d rarely wear aftershave, pluck my eyebrows or shave consistently. All out of an attitude of:

Fuck it, I don’t care what anyone thinks

All well and good you little anarchist but you’ve forgot about one person’s opinion you do care about — your own. Something i didn’t have then but now boast is a high, but realistic, opinion of myself and to truly maintain that I, and you, have to take care of ourselves.

Rather than incessantly blabbing to you about the importance of such matters, i’ll cute to the chase. These following standards give me confidence, pride and comfort. Make confidence, pride and comfort an experience you enjoy habitually.

9 Commandments Of Male Hygiene

1. Take a fucking shower every day. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that showers are essential if you want to be looking and feeling good. Warm, cold, morning, evening, night; doesn’t matter. Just take one, daily. Twice if you need it.
2. Don’t grow a peado tache. If your face didn’t get the message and skipped puberty (like mine), then don’t try grow a beard. Your pre-pubescent bum fluff isn’t worth saving. Accept your membership in the clean shaven club. As for the bearded men, get after it, do as you please.
3. Deo + Aftershave. Anti-perspirant should be common-place in your life, so post-shower or work out, use it. Additionally, buy a cheap but decent aftershave for daily use. I use this one from Zara and constantly get compliments.
4. Chewing gum, chewing gum, chewing gum. Aside from brushing your teeth and mouthwash i’d suggest always carrying a pack of your favourite gum with you. There’s nothing worse than a conversation in which you can decipher what the other had for breakfast purely from the smell of their breath. Did this cunt have garlic bread with eggs? I buy a 30 pack like this from Amazon so i’ve always got a pack.
5. Haircuts. Long-haired fellows get a pass here but if you’re like me and you keep it trim for the most part then don’t underestimate the power of a fresh fade. This doesn’t need to break the bank either. For the past year me and a mate have been cutting each other’s hair with a pair of old clippers and YouTube tutorials.
6. Pluck Yer Monobrow. This is the most likely to get the shouts of “Gaaaayyyyy” from those unaccustomed to the practice. Ignore them, it’s sort of therapeutic in the same sense that chiropractor compilations on YouTube are.
7. Wash Your Dick. There’s nothing more unsettling than a smelly dick — for you and anyone acquainted with it. Give it a thorough wash with soap in the shower on the regular. If you’ve got a foreskin, pull it back when your taking a piss. Furthermore, rub a little coconut oil under your foreskin as it has anti-fungal properties, thus keeping your wee man nice n fresh. Added bonus if your partner likes a Bounty.
8. Spare Toiletries Bag. If i’m out and know i wont be home for more than a day or two then i always bring a spare toiletries bag with the usual weapons: toothbrush, toothpaste, aftershave, deo, hair wax etc. Consider it, there’s nothing worse than waking up on a randoms couch after a heavy night of drinking with nothing to clean the shame off with.
9. General Health and Fitness. If you’re unhealthy or overweight, it’s going to be more difficult to keep yourself looking and feeling good. There’s more likelihood of internal complications and more external mass to cover. It’s as simple as that.

Closing Notes

I thought this stuff was pretty self-explanatory but when i reminisce about my younger-self i remember the times of angsty body odour and Mogley-esque haircuts. This is for anyone needing that final push to eventually take solitary pride in their appearance.

The male population is lacking this knowledge due to outdated attitudes about the potentiality of self-care affecting the masculinity of any one individual. If anything, i think it makes you more of a man as you take responsibility and accountability for your own hygiene. Part of what makes a man is one’s ability to thrive in one’s circle of control and influence.

I’d love to hear from you. Have i missed anything? Let me know in the comments down below.

As Always,

Yours Honestly,

Liam Lawson.